From idealised birth stories to immediate connections, we’re breaking down four misconceptions around motherhood and giving birth, and highlighting not only the reality, but how to forge your own path forwards
When I was pregnant, I signed up for antenatal classes because it seemed like something everyone did. One of these – on Zoom, because of Covid-19 – was about giving birth. “Don’t worry,” the course leader said brightly, to a screen of panicked faces. “Your bodies know exactly what to do.”
For me, it turns out, this wasn’t the case. I spent more than 70 hours in labour, before having an emergency caesarean. My baby and I had serious medical complications, but rather than feeling relieved that we were alive, I felt angry. My body didn’t know what to do, so maybe I wasn’t up to the task of being a mother.
“There are so many myths surrounding motherhood,” says therapist Georgina Sturmer. “The pressure of these myths can take a heavy toll on our mental health. They can lead to negative thoughts and self-criticism, which can make us feel anxious or low.”
There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to be a mother, or give birth. So, to dispel that stigma, here we’re shining a spotlight on four myths around motherhood, along with insight into overcoming them.
Myth one: Everyone has a perfect birth and a wonderful experience
Childbirth can be a truly incredible experience, but it can also be deeply traumatic. Many women feel pressured to have a ‘natural’ birth – a vaginal delivery with little medical intervention, and no pharmacological pain relief – to fit into external perceptions of what an ideal birth should be.
On social media, ‘positive birth’ advocates post images of serene birthing people in bathtubs at home, surrounded by candles. There are benefits to such movements, including the aim of helping people to make informed decisions about their birthing journey. But when the focus is so idealistic, the reality can blindside you, with one study, published in the journal Birth, finding that women who had an unplanned C-section were more likely to say they felt disappointed, upset, angry, or like they had failed.
No amount of relaxation techniques can overcome the reality that childbirth doesn’t always go to plan. While the National Childbirth Trust states that one in five women would like information about giving birth at home, only 1.9% of people in England had a home birth according to the latest data from the Office for National Statistics in 2022 – and whether someone is able to have one will depend on their individual risk factors and local trust’s policies.
Other factors can play into how likely you are to have a positive experience, with a 2022 inquiry by the charity Birthrights investigating systemic racism in UK maternity services finding that urgent action must be taken, with racial and ethnic disparities, along with budget cuts, blighting equality of care.
After all this, there’s no such thing as the perfect birth, only a safe one. So if your experience is more difficult, or not as you originally envisioned, know that it’s nothing to feel ashamed of.
Myth two: All women have a ‘maternal instinct’
As any new parent knows, parenting is a process of trial and error, and you learn on the job. However, it’s often said that women have a ‘maternal instinct’ – an innate knowledge of caregiving behaviours that they can tap into. But this notion stems from prescriptive, damaging gender stereotypes, which state mothers, not fathers, should prioritise child-bearing and raising a family over all else.
This myth is so persistent because, over time, it has been falsely written into scientific theory by those with a vested interest in limiting women’s roles in wider society. Some claim, for example, that only mothers are uniquely attuned to recognising their child’s cries. However, research, such as a paper published in Nature Communications, shows that all caregivers, including fathers, are equally skilled at this.
Hormonal, experiential, and neurobiological processes happen in parenthood, but these aren’t instinctive to women alone. Significant changes in a mother’s brain during pregnancy and after birth have been confirmed by a recent study published in Nature Neuroscience, but fathers and foster parents also experience hormonal changes during the transition to parenthood. These changes aren’t automatic – they happen in time as we bond with a child. And they can’t be instinctual, because not all women feel the urge to have a baby.
This is what makes the maternal instinct myth so damaging. It makes mothers feel inadequate when they believe they’re out of their depth, or afraid to ask for support and advice, as well as sidelining loving fathers as secondary carers. It also underpins discrimination against single-sex couples who want to have a child, and fuels stigma against women who don’t want, or can’t, have children.
Myth three: Bonding is immediate
While films and TV shows might present the idea that there’s this instant connection when you first meet your child, the truth is that bonding isn’t always automatic, and a multitude of factors can impact your personal experience, including your birth journey, your mental health, and whether you have support. But women who don’t immediately feel that maternal bond and postpartum joy and love, can be made to feel ashamed, or like something is wrong with them due to this myth, when in reality you’ve gone through a lot; it’s OK to still feel broken, in shock, fearful, or even angry.
Alison Bruce, a child and adolescent psychotherapist and spokesperson for the Association of Child Psychotherapists, says mothers are often shocked at the complicated emotions they can experience following giving birth.
“These feelings can be exacerbated by the internal pressure a mother may put upon herself regarding how she should feel,” she says. “It is assumed that bonding with one’s baby is a straightforward process. Often there is an expectation that an unconditional maternal love will occur at birth, which isn’t always true.”
Myth four: Mothers must be perfect at all times
The pressure to be a ‘super mum’ can be suffocating. Trying to meet this lofty ideal – and inevitably, at times, failing – can lead to self-doubt. And focusing so intently on perfectionism can lead to mothers feeling like they’ve lost their own identities in a sea of caregiving responsibilities.
Sometimes, I feel relief when my son is at nursery, because I have time to focus on myself, my career, and other interests, like studying psychology. And for that, I feel guilty. But ultimately, I know that a happier parent is better equipped to care for their child, and so neglecting my own needs does neither of us any good in the long run.
“Create your own set of expectations about motherhood,” says Georgina Sturmer. “Ask yourself what you think a ‘good mother’ looks like in modern society. Use this as a yardstick to measure yourself with – not some idealised version of motherhood.”
How to overcome damaging myths
When it comes to dispelling misconceptions, myths, and stigma around motherhood, the most crucial thing we can do is to create a safe environment that enables and encourages women to speak honestly about their experiences and feelings, without fear of judgement. If your personal journey doesn’t align with the mythical ideals you’ve been told about, and you’re struggling with your mental health, know that you can talk to your midwife or doctor about what you’re going through. They can offer insight and help, and also refer you for specialist support, such as infant bonding services.
Georgina advises being aware of any triggers that make you doubt yourself, or impact your mood. “Are you falling down a rabbit hole online, looking at forums or social media images about motherhood? If you notice these triggers, then you can protect yourself from feeling worse,” she says. It can be a sign to step away from screens, or actively seek out a broader range of motherhood depictions.
And remember, every parent is different. “Someone who is at peace with their choices to work or to stay at home, to breastfeed or bottle-feed, is someone who will come to parenting in the right way for them and their baby,” says Alison Bruce.