Navigating loss when the relationship is complicated

Grieving is an individual experience that can take many shapes, but one type of loss that’s sometimes left out of the conversation is how to handle grief when it’s complex. Here, we explore dealing with grief and unresolved feelings when someone you had a complicated relationship with passes away

The death of someone we had a fractured relationship with, whether that’s someone we were estranged from or no longer share a close bond with, can bring about feelings of grief that are also problematic, as well as confusing, isolating, and overwhelming.

It can feel more acceptable to talk about and grieve the people we loved and lost. However, when it’s someone we have mixed feelings about – which could be due to reasons like hurt, betrayal, self-protection, or life changes – bringing up our true (and often tangled) thoughts can feel a bit ‘off-limits’.

So, let’s talk through some of the feelings particularly linked to this kind of grief, along with advice on navigating your unique journey and timeline.

Grieving after a difficult relationship

“The subject of grief is a complex one because no two people’s experiences are the same. This is further complicated if you no longer have a relationship with the deceased,” says counsellor Lucy Hills-Gale. “If this is the case, it’s easy to wonder how you are meant to navigate grief and the nuances of the situation. It’s important to remember that two sets of feelings can co-exist. It’s OK to have complicated feelings about that person, but also to feel sadness about their death.”

Often, we view grief as coping with the painful aftermath of losing a loved one, but what if we have already ‘lost’ that person in some way? You might feel confused about how to label those emotions.

Telling yourself that you shouldn’t even feel a sense of grief. What’s more, feeling relieved or unburdened (especially when that person felt unsafe in some way) can intensify the experience.

“Complex grief can feel lonely and invisible, and you may face judgement or have your grief invalidated,” Lucy further highlights. “You might be told you are grieving too much or even not enough. It can be hard for those on the outside to make sense of the situation; however, they don’t have the right to dictate your feelings.”

Why don’t others understand me?

When grief isn’t acknowledged, either personally or socially, it is called ‘disenfranchised grief’. Not expressing your feelings due to fear of judgement from others may disqualify or disenfranchise your grief, which means you end up suffering in silence. So, why do others sometimes fail to understand loss in this context?

“Grief can make people feel uncomfortable, and, as a result, they may view it through a simplified lens,” Lucy clarifies.

Adding to this, there’s also the uncomfortable situation where you’ve lost someone who maintained stronger relationships with others. For example, a parent who displayed toxic or negative behaviour towards you went on to build another family. What if your feelings don’t match other people’s sadness after losing that same person?

“Others’ responses are rooted in their own feelings; if they are experiencing deep sadness, they may struggle to understand your feelings as being different or layered,” Lucy goes on to say.

This divide can make the process feel even more lonely, and you may mourn the relationship you always wished you had, especially if others had a fulfilling relationship with that person and are experiencing a ‘conventional’ bereavement.

However, grief is very personal, and it’s OK to talk through your feelings, even if they don’t fit the mould. “Grief is not simple; it is raw, messy, and complex. There is no one-size-fits-all approach,” Lucy adds.

How to deal with complex grief

Grief is as individual as the person, so counsellor Lucy advises recognising your feelings without feeling pressured to fix, suppress, or alter them. She also brings to light the issue of unprocessed feelings surrounding a complicated relationship, and emphasises that being gentle with yourself is essential for coping with this kind of grief.

“You may find you are navigating the different layers of the loss differently,” Lucy explains. “Try not to be too hard on yourself; it’s your grief, there are no rules, and all your feelings are valid.”

Following your own timeline and speaking with people who understand the complexities of grief can help you cope with this loss in a way that recognises everything you’ve been through. As Lucy concludes: “Lack of a relationship doesn’t always mean a lack of love, and where love has been, grief will be found too. It is OK to grieve your loss without rewriting the past.”

Reading between the lines

One way to express this complex experience is through metaphor. Metaphors, or speaking figuratively, can give shape to an experience that often feels unseen. According to a 2007 article published in the Journal of Death and Dying, which looked at the grieving experience within a community-based bereavement writing group, the use of metaphor helped them in dealing with difficult aspects of death, including taboo topics such as abuse, to “integrate experiences of loss and grief safely and productively.”

As an example, the metaphor of “growing around grief,” developed by grief counsellor and lecturer Lois Tonkin, suggests that grief doesn’t diminish; rather, life expands around it. It can be a valuable way to show that there is no fixed schedule, removing the expectation that grief should lessen, which may feel relevant to those whose losses are minimised.

However, if you prefer to view your experience differently, it’s important to use your own metaphors or methods of expressing it.

And, if you’re reading this through the eyes of a friend or family member who has lost someone they had a difficult relationship with, showing up respectfully while avoiding clichéd comments can really speak volumes. Because the truth is that there is no ‘normal’ way to grieve, in the end.