Ready to speak up for yourself? Try the therapeutic method designed to help us work through inner conflict
When relationships or feelings are left unresolved, we can often find ourselves stewing in resentment over what we wish we’d said or done.
The ‘empty chair technique’, sometimes also called ‘chair work’, is a method of therapy that invites you to engage in dialogue with an imagined person or a part of yourself – offering a chance to pull back from that feeling of regret, allowing you to address past issues in the here and now.
From relationship issues and phobias to feelings of guilt or anxiety, author and psychotherapist Eloise Skinner says that this approach can be used as a “representation of someone with whom someone might feel they have unfinished business,” as well as a way to examine various aspects of the self a little more closely.
There is evidence to suggest that chair work can help with self-criticism, making it a handy tool for anyone who struggles with low self-esteem. And while the approach is predominantly used within therapeutic settings, clinical psychologist Dr Daniel Glazer believes there is scope for it to be adapted for use in a home setting.Ready to sit in the hot seat? Follow these steps.
1. Choose a subject
First, you need to decide who or what will be represented by the empty chair in front of you, and what you want to achieve.
“The technique can be used for interpersonal conflicts (working as if the other person was in the empty chair) or internal conflicts (working as if another aspect of the self was in the empty chair),” explains Eloise. “It can also be used when situations are unresolved, and where the other person (in an interpersonal context) is no longer able to participate in dialogue.”
An example might be expressing anger to an absent figure in order to forgive and move on. Or, you might be challenging your inner critic with the aim of increasing confidence and breaking free from limiting thoughts.
2. Start the conversation
To begin, place two chairs in front of each other. With the chairs about three feet apart, “try to externalise your subject (e.g. inner critic) by imagining them sitting in one chair and your real self, who is honest and kind, sitting in the other,” explains Dr Glazer. “Visualise them clearly, including their facial expressions and their tone of voice.”
Initiate the dialogue by telling your subject how they make you feel. The idea is to then oscillate between the two chairs with open and honest dialogue.
This might look like the critic in chair A saying, “You’re never good enough”, and then you, in chair B, responding with compassion, “I’m doing the best I can.”
You’re able to then get curious about their motivation. “Ask them why they are so hard on you,” suggests Eloise, which can shine a light on whether your inner critic is trying to protect you or nudge you in another direction.
Throughout the conversation, repeat affirmative phrases to clarify your position. To your inner critic, you might say, “I want you to be kinder”. To a deceased relative, you may say, “What’s your advice for me?”
3. Ending the practice
The interaction should last between 10 and 15 mins, with Eloise noting that it might be best to end when it no longer feels useful or when you’re struggling to know what to say. Depending on the nature of the dialogue, she suggests thanking your subject to provide a sense of closure.
If it becomes too distressing, Dr Glazer urges you to stop and refer to a professional before trying it again. Given the role-playing aspect of this type of therapy, Dr Glazer admits it can feel a little ‘weird’ for some people. If you find yourself stuck, pause the practice and return at a later date.
4. Moving on
Afterwards, take a few moments to journal on what came up, what you learned, and what steps you’ll take next. Could you revisit the exercise later to deepen your healing? Or does this interaction feel like enough for now?
Over time, Dr Glazer believes this kind of conversation can “help you feel more confident in responding in an assertive and balanced way, while strengthening your ability to advocate for yourself.”
