Exploring perfectionism with counsellor Kirsten Jones

Understanding the roots of perfectionism, the pressure to do more, and how we can reconnect with a sense of being ‘good enough’

What are the signs that our self-worth has become tied to achievement or helping others?

This can show up as constant striving, people-pleasing, perfectionism, and pressure to achieve, care for, or do more. Underneath these patterns is often the belief that we are not enough as we are.

In my work, I see how this can gradually disconnect us from our sense of self. Our boundaries can become blurred, and in focusing on what others need, expect, or feel, we can lose touch with what we genuinely want, need, or value. We may look outward for validation rather than trust our own sense of what feels right for us.

How can we uncover where our belief that we’re ‘not good enough’ comes from?

Counselling can bring the often-hidden belief that we’re ‘not good enough’ into the light, allowing us to explore it with curiosity and see where the thread leads.

Our sense of self-worth develops through early relationships and experiences. The spoken and unspoken messages we receive can become internalised, shaping how we see ourselves, what we believe is expected of us, and what we must do to feel valued, accepted, or loved.

Within the safety of counselling, we can explore whose voice this is, what purpose it once served, and whether it still serves us – creating space to reconnect with our personal values, and a kinder, more authentic sense of being ‘good enough’

How can we distinguish healthy ambition from perfectionism?

Healthy ambition is a natural movement towards growth – a desire to create, achieve, and develop with curiosity and flexibility. It connects with Carl Rogers’ idea of self-actualisation: our natural tendency towards growth and becoming more fully ourselves.

Perfectionism can look similar on the surface, involving high standards, commitment, and achievement, but the difference often lies in what drives us. Healthy ambition allows us to work hard and persevere while respecting our limits. Perfectionism keeps us constantly striving and raising the bar, ignoring the internal signals that tell us when we are exceeding our limits.

Healthy ambition allows space for mistakes, growth, and learning. Perfectionism makes mistakes feel like failure, fuelling the inner critic, fear of failure, overwhelm, and chronic stress. Counselling offers a space to explore these patterns with curiosity and challenge beliefs we may have come to accept as truths.

How can we quiet our inner critic when it tells us we should be doing more?

The inner critic may be a familiar voice, but bringing it into conscious awareness can help us question rather than automatically believe it. We can begin to recognise it as carrying outdated beliefs formed when we were younger. Perhaps this voice once served a protective purpose, but now it is no longer helpful for us.

Giving the inner critic a name can create some distance between us and the voice, allowing us to hear it without becoming stuck in its narrative. From there, we can begin to change the story.

When it tells us we should be doing more, we can ask what a voice of compassion and encouragement might say instead. What do we need to hear? Imagining what we would say to someone we care about can help us find those words for ourselves.

How can we embrace ‘good enough’ without feeling like we’re settling?

Our beliefs are shaped by early relationships, experiences, and the messages we absorb about what we need to do to feel safe, accepted, or loved. We may become the responsible one, the carer who puts everyone else first, or the high achiever – patterns that can follow us into adulthood.

I often see this in the strong, capable woman afraid of vulnerability, the high achiever, or the ‘perfect’ mother juggling it all, driven by an unconscious need to prove she is enough. The goalposts keep moving because we’re not simply searching for a sense of success; we’re searching for the feeling of being enough.

Embracing ‘good enough’ isn’t about settling. It can free us from constantly raising the bar and pushing ourselves at the cost of our wellbeing. We can still be ambitious and continue to grow, without our worth depending on achieving more or doing everything perfectly.

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Connect with Kirsten via the Counselling Directory.