Solitude is good for you, says science, so can we learn to be better at spending time by ourselves?
Whether you’re a social butterfly or a natural loner, science has discovered we can all benefit from voluntary solitude now and then. A study by the University of Reading, published in the journal Scientific Reports, found that chosen periods of solitude can boost our happines and wellbeing by reducing stress and increasing feelings of personal freedom. Being alone – importantly, by choice – is good for you. So, can we learn to be good at spending time alone to reap the benefits for our wellbeing?
This is where ‘solitude skills’ come in. In her book, Alonement: How to be alone and absolutely own it, Francesca Specter argues the case for valuing solitude skills as much as we do social skills – cultivating them can help us feel comfortable in our own company, and spend our time alone wisely. With that in mind, here are five solitude skills to master to enable you to be brilliant at being alone…
Communicate to avoid hurting others
Saying you want to be alone can come with the risk of making loved ones feel rejected. “It’s common to experience feelings of guilt when prioritising ‘me time’ over time with family or friends,” explains Claire Elmes, therapeutic life coach at Inspire You. “But, without alone time, our social batteries can deplete because we aren’t giving ourselves the chance to properly regulate our thoughts and feelings. This can lead to irritability and tension in our interactions with others.
“Communicate openly about the importance of self-care and alone time. Encouraging others to also take moments for themselves can help normalise the practice and reduce feelings of rejection,” she says.
Dana Moinian, a psychotherapist at mental health clinic The Soke, adds: “Seclusion can give us the opportunity to reflect, imagine, recharge, and create, becoming the best version of who we can be, both for ourselves and for those around us.” She agrees that communicating these benefits can help remove any sense of insecurity in others.
Embrace ‘positive selfishness’
Once loved ones understand the benefits of alone time, you’re ready to embrace a positive kind of ‘selfishness’. In Alonement, Francesca describes this as unashamedly doing whatever you want in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone else. She believes that once your own desires have been met you’re more likely to be amenable to compromise when with others.
‘Positive selfishness’ could involve lunch at your favourite café without inviting a friend; watching an eagerly anticipated film at the cinema without taking your partner; enjoying an afternoon off for a spa treatment alone. Whatever it may be, if it’s not hurting anyone, give yourself permission to please yourself.
Plan solo dates
‘Me time’ doesn’t just appear, you need to create it. In her book, Francesca recommends forward-planning ‘solo dates’, for both practicality and joyful anticipation. Adding solo activities to your diary gives solitude equal importance to social occasions, and ensures you commit to and prioritise alone time regularly.
Why not make a list of things you want to see and do over the next few months? The exhibitions, shows, gigs, films, and places you’ve always intended to visit. Some activities are more enjoyable with others, but if there is anything on the list that you’re happy to do solo, make it a date for your diary.
Make time alone meaningful
It can be easy to worry about squandering our precious alone time. However, Claire suggests solitude is also a great opportunity to ‘switch off’ by “using techniques such as mindfulness and journaling to disconnect from the outside world, and tune-in to our own thoughts and feelings. Self-reflection is crucial for maintaining emotional wellbeing.”
If scrolling on your phone or watching TV is too tempting when you’re alone, you shouldn’t feel guilty, according to Dana. “Time alone is meaningful if it fulfils its purpose, whether that purpose is rest or stimulation. [TV and phones] are, for many, a great way to take a rest from the pressures that may be weighing on their minds. That said, if we don’t occasionally allow our minds to wander, then we can’t maximise our capacity to think.”
Avoid unhealthy isolation
Solitude can be joyful, but stay alert to the potential downsides. Claire warns: “Learning to overcome FOMO [fear of missing out] is essential. Often, when we choose to spend time alone, we may experience feelings of anxiety about missing out.”
“When aloneness gives way to loneliness, that becomes a strong sign that the individual has allowed isolation to leave them untethered from their community,” Dana adds.
When these negative emotions creep in, nudging yourself into social situations, even if you don’t immediately feel like it, can help you maintain balance and a healthy connection with others