Friendships change, grow, and evolve over time. Outgrowing some friendships is natural – but it doesn’t make it easy. We explain more about how to let go and allow yourself to move forward
It’s easy to stand back and take a look at ourselves, and see how we’ve changed and grown over the years. Nobody thinks they are the same person they were five, ten, twenty years ago. We know that our priorities and circumstances change as our careers develop, we find or lose or refind love, when we take on more responsibilities by having pets or kids or becoming homeowners with all the extra things and thoughts that entails. So, wouldn’t it be natural for our friendships to do the same?
Our friends change and grow just as much as we do. And sometimes, that means that our friendships can grow apart. You may find yourselves with fewer things in common, fewer shared life goals or experiences, or different ideals that can make it tough to keep a conversation going. Or you may just find that things are no longer working for you. But how do you know when it’s worth pursuing a friendship, and when it might be time to let go and move on?
What does outgrowing a friendship feel like?
It’s not always easy to realise when a friendship might be coming to an end. Realising you’ve outgrown a friendship can be as tough as a romantic breakup, especially when you have years of shared memories, emotions, and support. There can be one or two obvious big signs that you may have outgrown a friendship, or it could be an accumulation of different things. Ask yourself:
- Do you have much in common? Not all friendships are built on a broad range of shared interests, but you usually have at least some things you are both passionate about.
- Is our friendship only rooted in the past? Do you still have shared interests, things to talk about, and are you making new memories together? Or are all of your conversations centred on the past?
- Are things balanced or one-sided? Does it feel like you’re the only one putting in the effort to meet up, make plans, or keep in contact? Or do you find yourself always making excuses or prioritising other plans?
- Do I like who I am when we’re together? Reverting back to an older version of yourself when you’re around an old friend can be one way we try and make things more comfortable. While this isn’t always a bad thing, if you find yourself having to live in the past, ignoring how you’ve changed and grown, or trying to fit a specific mould to make others comfortable, it can become awkward or uncomfortable over time – not to mention draining.
- Do you feel energised or exhausted? When you spend time with them, do you find yourself feeling drained or tired? Do you ever feel apprehension or like you have to psych yourself up before you spend time together? Good, positive friendships should be something we enjoy, that makes us feel good about ourselves, energised, and inspired. While not every interaction will be perfect, if most or all leave you feeling weary, it could be a sign that the friendship is no longer giving you what you need.
What to do when you’ve outgrown a friendship
If a friendship isn’t what you need or want anymore, it’s ok to let things go and to move on. Just because things have changed doesn’t mean you have to let go – but if you’re ready, there are some things you can do to help give yourself a sense of closure.
- Talk things through. Just like you’d have ‘The Talk’ if a romantic relationship was changing or ending, so too can you have one with friends. Use the chance to talk through any misunderstandings, talk openly about how you’re feeling, set new boundaries, and see how you are both feeling in regards to your friendship.
- Take a break. Having some space can help you to reassess how you’re feeling about your friendship, and so see if you still feel the same way after you have had the chance to have a breather. You can give it a set time, or be more vague – do what you think will work best for you.
- Let go. Sometimes, we put in too much time and energy when we really want something to work out or something to stay the same. If you stop trying to force things, you can see how things naturally happen. Maybe your friendship will redevelop, grow, and stop feeling so one-sided. Or maybe it really is time for things to come to a natural end. It’s time to stop feeling guilty or pressured, and to be kind to yourself.
Forging new friendships and letting our existing friendships evolve
responsibilities and often find ourselves with fewer opportunities to make natural connections with others as we did when we were younger. Our fear of social rejection can stop us from taking that first step and putting ourselves out there to meet new people.
Focusing on improving the quality, rather than quantity, of our friendships can help to ensure that we’re filling our lives with more meaningful connections and opportunities to grow together. While letting go of friendships is never easy, it’s good to remind ourselves that each of those was meaningful to us in the moment. As each past friendship moves on, we are allowing ourselves the opportunity for new friendships to grow and develop.
