5 signs you’re phubbing your friends & family (and what to do about it)

Could phubbing be ruining your relationships without you realising it? We explain more about the signs to look out for and what you can do to make positive, sustainable changes

Have you ever been out with a friend for coffee and, just before they could start telling you about their day, you spot a message coming through from your partner so you just have a quick check to see what they said? Then you spot another message from another friend. Then you decide to very quickly check WhatsApp just in case you missed anything. And your emails. And Discord. And…

Before you know it, you’ve become absorbed in your phone. You might not even realise your friend is no longer waiting patiently – they’re actually pretty annoyed and are tempted to reach for their own phone, or are reconsidering telling you about that important thing they had been about to bring up. 

On average, we spend seven hours a day on our phones – we’re almost bound to phub someone at some point, whether we mean to or not. Being constantly online, available, and connected has become the norm for us. It’s just a part of modern-day life. But when our relationships with our devices – and how we use them – start affecting our relationships with the people around us, it can be a sign that something needs to change.

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What is phubbing (and why do we do it)?

At its core, phubbing is when we ignore the people we're with to instead pay attention to our phones or other mobile devices. So, instead of paying attention to what your partner is saying over the breakfast table, you might instead be scrolling through Instagram, checking work emails, or catching up on a group chat.

A combination of the words phone and snubbing, people phub for a number of different reasons.

A 2016 study found that more than 17% of us phub others four or more times a day, while nearly 32% of us are phubbed two to three times a day. One study suggests that phubbing can negatively impact how satisfied we are with our relationships, and may even indirectly impact overall life satisfaction. 

Research has suggested that phubbing may be linked to problematic social media use, as well as pathological internet use. Some people may use phubbing as a way to cope with how they are feeling, relying on checking up on friends, family, social media, or even just world events via their phones almost compulsively rather than as an active choice.

Screen addiction (also known as net compulsions) is just one kind of internet addiction. With so many of us relying on our devices for both work and play, it’s unsurprising that many of us can struggle to know when to put our phones down and refocus on what – and who – is in front of us.

If you find yourself losing track of how much time you're spending on your phone, find yourself spending more time on online relationships than in-person interactions, feel guilty or defensive about your phone usage, or feel anxious or stressed when you can’t use your phone, it could be a sign that your relationship with your device is becoming unhealthy.

How does phubbing make you feel?

Being on the receiving end of phubbing can be a pretty unpleasant experience. Nobody likes to be someone’s second (or third… or fourth) choice; that’s no different when it comes to seeing a friend or partner choosing to speak with others via their phones, rather than focusing on the here and now.

When we phub someone, it can make them feel upset, uncomfortable, or even frustrated in the moment. Over time, repeatedly ignoring people – whether that’s a friend, family member, or partner – in favour of your phone can lead to growing resentment and even retaliatory phubbing. Nobody likes to feel ignored; when we prioritise our phones over other people, it can not only make things awkward in the moment, but can also lead to them not wanting to spend time with you, or feeling like you don’t appreciate them.

While phubbing has become more and more common, that doesn’t make it any less irritating or upsetting. While it may not seem like much in the moment to check your phone quickly, try and think of it another way: you can check your phone anytime, anywhere. Chances are, you have your phone on you most of the day.

But, spending time having dinner with your partner at a nice restaurant, catching up over drinks with a friend, or having a coffee with family? Those are often moments that need prior planning, time and effort on both of your parts. Picking up your phone shows you’re prioritising it over them – and nobody likes to feel ignored or unimportant. Over time, the more we phub people, the less connected we feel.

Is phubbing toxic for your relationships?

Research has found that, in romantic relationships, when we feel like we are being phubbed more, we start to feel more resentment, wonder what our partners are using their phones for, and even retaliate by using our own phones more. 

Just as with any other bad or unhelpful habit, phubbing can negatively impact our relationships. When we prioritise our phones over our loved ones, they can feel unseen, unheard, and unimportant. Picking up your phone instead of paying attention to the conversation at hand can give the impression that you don’t want to spend time together or that you have better things you could be doing. While not everyone will get upset if you do this occasionally, over time, it can negatively impact things.

Phubbing can often be used as a way for us to distract ourselves from uncomfortable feelings. If you’re feeling stressed and you’re reaching for your phone instead of opening up to your partner about how you feel, it may be a sign that you may be more worried about something than you may realise – or that you’re avoiding having certain conversations. 

What are the signs of phubbing?

There are a number of different signs you can keep an eye out for if you’re worried you might be phubbing (or being phubbed) too much. While checking your phone a little bit can be perfectly normal, if you, your partner, or a loved one are worried about how often you're checking it, it can be a sign that you might need to change things. Signs to keep an eye out for include:

1. Do you always have your phone in your hands or nearby in your line of sight?
2. Do you feel anxious, distracted, or stressed if you see a notification on your phone? Or as if you need to check what that notification is straight away?
3. Do you often ask someone to hold on, give you a moment, or promise this will only take a second, while using your phone in the middle of something else?
4. Do you feel defensive when someone comments on how often you use or check your phone?
5. Do you find yourself wanting to spend more time on your phone than with the person you are with?

While there’s no definitive answer to how much phubbing is too much, if you’re worried about your own relationship with your phone or loved ones have expressed concerns, it can be a sign it’s time to change.

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How to stop phubbing

If you want to be more present and stop phubbing quite so often, there are a number of different ways you can approach things.

Discover your why - According to research, scrolling on our phones essentially gives us a dopamine hit. This can mean that, when we aren’t feeling great, we might start scrolling – and using our phones – more to get that hit. Figuring out why you aren’t feeling great can be a solid first step 

Create phone-free times - Setting yourself new, healthy boundaries around phone use can be a helpful way of spotting – and addressing – how often you are using your phone. Maybe that means leaving your phone in another room at dinnertime, switching out your phone for an old-fashioned alarm clock to stop you from scrolling in bed when you could be spending time with your partner, or leaving your phone on do not disturb mode while meeting up with friends. 

Model healthier behaviour - If you find yourself on the end of phubbing more than you’d like to admit, modelling healthier behaviours with your own phone use can be a big help. Putting your phone away during meals, setting it to silent and leaving it out of sight when out with friends, not immediately responding to notifications, and giving your friends and family your attention can all help to show you’re dedicated to spending time together with them here and now. 

Break the automatic habit - We can become used to picking up our phones and just checking something quickly. After a while, it becomes more a habit than a conscious thought. Finding ways to break this automatic action can help you to better notice when you are checking your phone, and consciously start choosing not to.

Trying habit tracker apps like Flora allows you to input the length of time you want to stay off of your phone and reminds you if you try and use your phone before the time limit is up. Setting your phone onto aeroplane mode so you physically have to turn it back on before you can check your messages, or silencing any notifications or vibrations can also help. 

Consider working with a professional

Working with a number of different professionals can help you break unhelpful habits and find new, healthier coping mechanisms to deal with any underlying stress or anxiety that may be exacerbating your phone use. 

Working with a hypnotherapist can help you to identify unhelpful habits and behaviours as well as create newer, more helpful, healthier habits. Hypnotherapists can also help you cultivate a healthier relationship with your smartphone by introducing you to helpful tools such as mindfulness. As Hypnotherapist Katie Elizabeth Joan Guthrie, BA(hons), DHP HPD MNCH(Lic)AFSFH explains, practising digital mindfulness can be helpful in cultivating a healthier relationship with your phone.

“Mindfulness is the practice of being present and aware of our thoughts, feelings, and surroundings. Applying this principle to our smartphone usage involves consciously engaging with our devices rather than mindlessly scrolling or multitasking. By bringing intentionality to your smartphone interactions, you can avoid falling into habitual patterns of usage and make more conscious choices.”

Working with a therapist can help you to find a healthier balance when it comes to screen time. Working with a professional counsellor can also help you to identify underlying issues that may be causing you to turn to your phone for support or comfort rather than your loved ones, as well as to learn helpful ways to avoid phubbing and break unhelpful habits.